The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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