I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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