Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My ATM looks so different sober.
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He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
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I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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