today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
it's great music for shaving your balls
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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