I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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