I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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