just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
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