I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
