Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just cropdusted the office
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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