pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
