: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
