New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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