At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
