I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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