i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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