hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's shark week go big or go home
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
