Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
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This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
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yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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