"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
