He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
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