if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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