I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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