My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
