if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
