I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
