You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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