Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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