You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
