My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize