Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
