Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
