GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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