Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
this beer tastes like vomit already
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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