I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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