his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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