no, he came in my armpit
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
