Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
