Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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