i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
