Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
