I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Houston, we have a blender
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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