I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
