I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
