So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
