Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
