My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
