I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
