a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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