I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
