hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
