I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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