Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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