The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
