Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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