brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
So much rum. So many feels.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
