Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
