I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
