I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
